"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

a most bewildering
a stirred heart
and then, silence?


had a really nice talk with the cab uncle today and it's really heartwarming to see how God has touched people's lives. the cab uncle said he used to be a translator for mediums because he could understand what spirits were saying and summon the chinese deities. but a year ago, he got to know the one true God and fell in love with Him. isn't it amazing? the uncle was saying the deities had powers, they could exorcise demons and make things happen. but he found that God was really the most powerful above all of them. i love how it is that the Almighty God is also the one that loves us so deeply, more than our human minds can even imagine. He has the power to force all of us to worship Him, yet He chooses to leave us our free choice, to woo us. love how it is that He is our King, but also wants to be our Servant to serve us. seriously. God seems to be too good to be true. yet, He is the only truth in this shake-able world. ♥


results again and as usual, it's PTL again :) haha. 3.86! was estatic when i saw because i've never got past 3.7 before, and this sem, i was truly resting in Him. sometimes i get abit anxious because i know my own knowledge would never warrant the grade i got. take BP last sem for example. i failed midterms miserably and was bottom 20th percentile of the class? yet, somehow miraculously i managed to get A-. which, honestly speaking, i really really did not deserve because my grasp of the concepts are terrible. i myself know. hehs. same with MR this sem, except this time i didn't feel so worried because i knew God would take care of things. tada, A :) like i said, my concepts are really weak and if you asked me the difference between linear and what-ever else regression (i can't remember) at this moment, i uh, really need to check up the books. yup. yeah a nagging feeling in me because ya, i will probably need to use MR in the future so i eventually have to know? haha. but ya, when the time comes, i know my God will take care of it. whee.

amen to a even better sem next year, all glory to Him :)


ok nono. must think positive. i am going to recover from my fever by tomorrow and start practising! gogogo!

and if like, i still suck by the end of this month i think it will be better for the team if i withdraw. but till then, i am gonna practise everyday! jiayou me!


and i think all this stress is why my fever is not. recovering. sigh sigh sigh. AHH THIS SUCKS! you know. while i was bathing today i even contemplated spraining my ankle on purpose or something so i wouldn't have to perform. shitteee. this is so bad.


my close friends probably know that i'm uber stressed out by my upcoming dance item. hiphop -.- i've never ever been so stressed out over dance before. back in jc, even when we had like 1 month to learn the chereo and perform, i could somehow just do it. of course, it helped that we did contemp in JC, which is like, my forte. and hiphop is so not!!!

over the last few days, i've been wondering and cursing at why they let me through the auditions when i clearly am not as good as the rest. there are ten dancers, and among us, nine are trained in hiphop, performed several times, and then, there's me. sigh. it's too much to ask for in too little time. contemp was a breeze for me because years of training gave me the required muscle memory - give me an action and i roughly know what goes on next. with hiphop, it's like learning to walk all over again, forcing myself in awkward positions i'm not used to, in fact, in positions which defies all that i've learnt during ballet and contemp. i can't get the slouching right, nor the tough firm arm stance, all of which are the foundations for hiphop. why, i repeat, why did they let me in. okay, maybe i should change my wail to why, why did i go for the auditions?! now, i can't pull out.... nor can i keep up.

today i had a fever, so i just sat in and observed the class. at times, i found it really encouraging, like. yes, it's my chance to challenge myself and master this. but, it's humiliating when you can't catch up. at least, i'm not used it it because i've always been one of the better dancers in my jc. maybe it's pride talking. i don't know. nonetheless, i'm thinking of the dance moves every single waking moment. listening to the chereo music sends my palms sweaty and brows in a frown. yet when i try to dance it out, i just feel like a big clumsy mess. emo much. i don't know how much i can take this stress man. i was this close to pulling out. and i'm still thinking if i should. one month. one month to learn a completely new dance genre, which is nothing similar to anything i've danced to in my life. nothing like contemp, nothing like ballet, nothing like jazz, nor salsa, nor waltz. but it's not a rare genre, many have done it before... maybe i can. one month to master it, dance it like i've been dancing it my whole life. to go out there and perform.

omg. i am so freaking out. :(


how the polarization of two people starts after going their separate ways.


okay. much better now! :)

now let's get back to my meaningful morning. today i accompanied a manda's cousins to carol at the people's dialysis center. hmm. in the first session, i felt quite confused as i was singing the carol. because we were there to share joy, but i felt sad looking at the sad faces of the patients. who knows what they were thinking, maybe about the meaning of christmas? about whether it would be their last one? as we were singing, i caught a glimpse of the old man in front of me wiping off a tear. and that really challenged me in keeping my spirits up.

but i guess all in all, the patients do appreciate some cheer in their lives. these patients are those who have been rejected by the hospitals, as the hospitals only take in patients who have failure in one kidney. the moment both kidneys fail, they are rejected from treatment in the hospitals- almost like a death sentence, i feel. so they are sent to this dialysis center which is mostly for poorer people, costing 10 times less than treatment in hospitals. in the dialysis center, many of the patients were missing limbs. this is because to run the dialysis, a big needle needs to be injected into a major vein in the arm. after some time, this vein will collapse. when this vein collapses, that arm has to be amputated i guess, and the needle is injected into the other arm. when the vein in other arm collapses, the needle are injected into the thighs. finally, when there are no other veins left, the needle is injected into the patients' neck. if that last vein collapses before the patient gets treated, then, no more treatment can be done.

i always thought that old people could be moody and cranky and times, and would like, ignore you whenever they want. but, the people i met today were really nice, they would open up to you as long as you made the initiative, and they were clapping and singing along. it was really heartening to see the patients reading the songsheets diligently and singing along, especially to that song in hokkien. a particular patient, after finishing his treatment, even joined us in our second session to sing for the other patients. lastly, i met this lovely old lady who was all smiles and looked truly sweet because she was looked so happy and at peace the whole time even though i'm sure the dialysis hurt like crazy. hmm. honestly i came to carol today with no idea how carolling would help them, especially when we didn't sing in perfect pitch or anything. but judging from the responses i saw today, i'm sure that at least some people were touched in ways i would never understand.


RAH. was initially supposed to come back and talk about the immensely meaningful morning i had, but the email i read just ruined my day. though it actually can be considered a very small petty thing, i feel so angry!! not a cool thing to treat the friends(us) of the girl you are chasing(my friend) like that! NOT COOL NOT COOL. thanks for ruining my day BWCGAD.

okay i shall go shower and after that i shall cool down and talk about my meaningful experience and graciously let this pass. rah.


i already know what i'm gonna do with my first paycheck - buy a new second-hand piano. whee. i think i've already reached the limit with what i can do on my old one.


ahh the facial i went to on tuesday not good! my face is still red. hmm. guess you get what you pay for. adonis was good but so expensive (and for aunties haha).


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's all right, because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's all right, because I love the way you lie,
I love the way you lie.


wish i had a new piano. sticky notes and out-of-tune keys take all the joy out of playing.