"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

又被骗了!! :(



the most unbelievable thing: after not seeing each other for so long, i bumped into t olde at the tacksittning yesterday. more like, as i was walking behind jenric to get to the bar for some water, i saw him at the corner of my eye but hurriedly pretended not to, and walked past him. at that moment, i was seriously flustered and was trying to avoid him because i thought it would be awkward.

too late. i felt a tap on my shoulder. then i turned around and it was great, after the whole "haven't seen you for a long time" formality (which is stupid because we both know why we haven't seen each other for a long time). really, it turned out better than i expected. talked with him for a while, then i wanted to go join my other friends on the dancefloor so i left to go to the next room. the whole night i was just going and leaving, because i was afraid of getting too close again, after trying so hard to distance myself. but after a while, he and his friends joined us on the dancefloor. he's a really good dancer. like, he's in his own world in the music and he dances for no one but himself. and in a way, it's kind of lyrical, as much as club dancing can be. haha. but i wasn't surprised, he's crazy/talented in that sort of way. and i'm so glad he's not the kind who just dances with any random girl, in fact he didn't dance with any girl at all, just his guy pals (not like it's any of my business anymore but still. haha)

anyway, after a while, i left again (i guess subconsciously i was really trying to escape), and joined another group of friends. HAHA. then i went back to the pub with j enric to rest and chatted with some other people, and then they closed the pub so we were forced back to the club. and the whole time, i was just looking out for him, that blond guy in the blue checkered shirt. haha. finally, i saw him come in, and he started dancing right in front of me, but his back was facing me so he couldn't see me. so i was just dancing with j enric and the two other friends we just met, but i just kept looking at him. ahh i just love watching him, being crazy with that wind-swept hair. sounds so stalkerish hahahah.

the club was about to close in 20 minutes, and i was dying go find him again, but yet another side of me was like, NO, are you crazy?! you are supposed to keep your distance! j enric didn't think it was such a wise idea too but i really couldn't help myself. i went and said an enthusiastic "hi again" to him, and we started dancing. this time, because there was only one other of his friend there, he started dancing with me in a goofy way. not the disgusting grinding kind, but like super drama-mama kind, to go along with retro music hahahahaha. like his face expression will be serious, and he will stare into my eyes and flip his hair and try to "seduce" me in a joking kind of way. and then, you know, just play along... pull you with an invisible string and you resist. then he taught me the swedish line-dance which old people do along with the retro music. it was so so fun. i will never ever forget that.

and then, our last dance. his friend went off dunno where, and j enric had to go to the bathroom. it had to be that moment when the music changed to eva cassidy's "fields of gold". i felt super awkward because suddenly all the couples were slow-dancing to this song. all this time, we were totally acting as friends, and had no physical contact whatsoever. so i was shocked when he took my hand and put it on his shoulder, and the other hand into his and started to slow-dance with me too. omg. it was such a weird feeling. but in a good way. i guess, because i was not used to him being so romantic when we were dating. now it's like, just easy you know? like i said, no expectations or pressure or anything, just friends. talking and humming to the music. his hair is blonder than what i remembered, almost platinum white already, but still all over the place in a cute way. and he definitely looks less tired from when i last met him. i can tell, he is wondering alot about his future. like i said before, i don't think he really knows what he wants, because he's just jumping from one situation to another. and he confided in me that his dying grandmother who was psychic told him he would be confused about his direction in life for the next 5 years. even though he brushed it off afterwards, i think it really bothers him (otherwise he wouldn't have said right?) i really hope he will be alright. and i really hope we continue to be friends even after i get back. i wonder if God answers these kinds of prayers. and i wonder what's the point of God putting him in my life.





lund; it's a love story.

i was just gone for ten days, and i found myself missing lund so much. when i got back, i realised my friends who were away on long trips felt the same way too!

it's hard to believe how lund has managed to win our hearts without us even realising. this little town, so humble, quiet and unassuming. for a tourist, there is almost nothing to do, well, except for the cathedral (which i haven't even gone into before). but to live and study here, it's really kind of nice. here, we were quietly shielded from the coldest of the swedish winter, and here, we experience generous sunshine. it gets windy sometimes because it's near the sea, but that's still bearable. life is idyllic, it's common to see people just lie in the park, enjoying the sun, or sitting in the square doing nothing. there's so much time to spend in retrospection, or just soaking up life. everything's so quiet here, we get blessings without even knowing. the little flowers speckled along the green grass, they crept up while we weren't looking. the summer sun, it came while we were away. and the soft sing-song of the swedish people talking as you walk past them on the streets, compared to the loud excited chatter of the english people. things that we take for granted. i'm just glad i'm back :)


so, we took a walk in the park, went to the old bull to get his guitar, then went to my place to make pancakes together, and have dinner with the girls.

and then, we finally had the talk. and, i guess i finally managed to force out everything i wanted to say (though i almost missed the chance, i literally forced myself to choke out the words a few steps before he went out of the door) and somehow, it just turned out right.

by right, i should be sad i think? but instead i feel so relieved. like, everything just fell into place perfectly. and i think we will have more fun than ever before without the pressure and expectations and unspoken words. you know, i kinda got a revelation today that boyfriends are not always better than friends. like, actually i'm quite thankful now that some of the guys i liked remained as my friends and did not become my boyfriends because then so many things might go wrong and just ruin everything. AHH. should have done this earlier. and the best thing are his parting words as he walked off, "bye, talk to you soon. " yeah, right, you always say that, your soon is like 10000 years later lor. he walked a few steps, turned back as though he knew what i was thinking, and winked, "sooner than before."

i think this can almost be the equivalent of a fairytale ending to this story for me :)


he just said he was sorry. oh no, what should i do?


10pm - 1am.

valborg, the coming of spring; celebrations; picnics and champagne; joyful revelry; dancing; bbq
and then night falls, and it draws closer and closer to the time
the alcohol in your blood lets your guard down, your perseverence wavers
in my tipsy state i asked j enric if she would go with me
she said she would if i wanted, but did i really want to?
yes. please. it was my last chance.
but they persuaded me it would be better if i didn't go, reined me in
that night, i wasn't where i wanted to be
instead, i sat in front of the bonfire
staring at the fiery blaze
looking at the people around
wishing i could be like them
which i was, just a few weeks ago,
on top of the world.
higher, higher than anyone else.
and then, i fell.