"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

so i messaged him again, he said we could meet up on sunday. hmm i really have no idea what to make of him... i guess, past the infatuation, i'm learning abit more about his personality nowadays... he didn't even know when was his exam, he seems to take on everything at once without even considering if he can manage them, just says yes to anything - chill, spontaneous, anything-goes. initially when he asked me out, our dates didn't even have a fixed time unless i ask (because i need to know exactly when and where and what are the plans- yes control freak lol).

while at the start of the week i was dead set on telling him everything i felt, as it gets closer and closer to our meeting, my motivation is wavering. not because i'm chickening out or anything, but because i've been thinking alot. and this week has really drained me. drained me emotionally and physically. took a walk with j enric in the park after she returned from berlin, and was telling her that it was really a hell week for me. to put it in a weird analogy, it felt like i was having menstruation cramps (and my friends will know i have really bad ones, to the extent that i can faint), but in the emotional sense. okay probably only girls will know how it feels like, but basically, something wringing and gripping your heart so tightly it hurts, every single moment of the day. i think h azel could tell how tired out i was because i couldn't eat properly, couldn't sleep properly, didn't want to go out to meet friends, buried myself in work, went to system bolaget and splurged on alcohol, had nosebleeds, headaches blah blah. basically, it felt like a break-up, even though it wasn't one (maybe because i could felt it coming). after cellgroup on wednesday, i was so much better and i started acting normally again - still jaded and lifeless, but at least my heart didn't hurt anymore.

so, as i was saying, ya, i'm not very sure if i should tell him anymore because i kind of already got over the break-up. though we haven't broken up yet and have said nothing about it (yes i know i sound totally crazy). in any case, i don't think i can handle this another month down when i've invested even more feelings in it. plus, i don't think he's perfect anymore, just some talented guy, and, i seriously feel the strain of the the cultural and personality differences.

of course, i say this after not seeing him for a week and "getting over" him. i don't know what my feelings will be when i meet him again though. so anyway, since i've already experienced the worst, i was thinking of just saying what i meant to say (even though i'm not really sure i mean it now) and listen him out. if he says no, then, i've already been preparing myself for that for a week. if he says yes, then, sigh. of course i'll be happy, but also, for some strange reason, i feel sian of dragging this on.

in a way, i'm having second thoughts about him being very interested. of course i can't blame him for that because when we first met, i didn't have the intention of being serious as well. i mean like, i'm going back in two months anyway. i don't know when my expectations started to change. but, i wonder if we can be not-serious, but set the rules as well, because i have no idea what's okay and what's not, the whole culture thing. the thing is, today i saw another couple of my swedish friends get together and they were so sweet, like how a normal singaporean couple would be. so maybe it's not the culture. and again i felt sian, because i envied them. but then again, theirs is swedish-swedish, so it's long-term. ours is like a fling kinda thing, which i really don't think i'm cut out to do. i have no idea how to tell my heart: "stop there, it's just a fling."

i don't like who i've become with him, it brings out my worst insecurities :(