"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

i am hopeless. like i keep telling myself to keep my expectations like it should be. exchange fling exchange fling, forget when i go back to singapore. my foot. after my whole drama about him not replying my message yesterday, he finally replied (said he only checked his phone then) and said he could come by my place today. so ya i invited him for dinner. then he said cannot make it cos' he has to work at 6, so really cannot. so i said it's okay, we go eat ice-cream in the afternoon. so we met at 1, sat at the square and just enjoyed the sun, and talked about stuff which we haven't done in ages. and it was quite perfect, except there was this nagging in my heart because he didn't hold my hand or put his arms around my shoulders like he used to do (then again, i don't know if it's a swedish thing because many swedish people don't really show affection in public). and basically it was great, the sun was so awesomely hot though it was a little windy. then he said he had to go to the bank, so i was like, okay, let's go, i thought he only needed to go for a short while. and guess what... at the bank he said he hoped he could make it in time because he was already late, he was supposed to meet his friend ten minutes ago. i was like, WHAT?!!!! WTH. i only spent like, 2 hours with you. and in my head i was like thinking why did he even bother to ask to meet me today. and it's not like, he's really busy studying that's why he couldn't spend more time with me. he was playing football the whole day yesterday, and playing the whole day tomorrow, and going out at night. and today he's studying and working. and meeting me. -.- and the worst thing is that, i was telling him at the end, what a pity he has to work, because i wanted to invite him over for an international dinner with hungarian food, british food etc etc. and he said "aww!! i've never tried hungarian food before, should i cancel my work?" then he thought for a while... "nah.. i can't". like omg i totally felt so "appreciated" la. invite him for dinner and he says cannot make it cos' he thinks i'm cooking. then when i told him there's hungarian food he considers cancelling his work. today was just a bad bad day. at the end he just walked to his bike and we hugged and said our goodbyes and i swear he wasn't going to kiss me goodbye at all. until i stood there and kind of waited, then he finally hugged and kissed me again and then i walked off. this is so going down the drain man. it can't be because i left early that morning right? rah. i have no idea because there are so many thing i do regret not doing and not saying but it's kinda too late now.

so i was super bummed out after he left, and went to the park to just walk and sit and think. i was like crying and considered asking b enita or d es to come but decided against it. it was really tough trying to keep the tears in, i hate myself for being so freaking emotional and unable to control my feelings or expectations.

you know, when i see him it's like he's radiating something, sunshine or something. there's something always so sunny about him. even in the bank, when i turned around and caught his eye, i was like, stunned for a moment. and today's the first time i really saw his eyes in the sunlight. normally it's just green in dim lighting, but in the sunlight it's a really special shade of green. it's totally like what i imagine the colour of seaglass to be, pale sea-green with a tinge of blue, and specks around and a kind of old rusty feel. and his freckles from playing football in the sun the whole of yesterday.

today i think i saw the emo side of him. like he really doesn't like the cold in sweden and is thinking of migrating because of it. and he doesn't like how he's expected to do certain stuffs in sweden because of societal pressure and stuff. he was just so tired today and, not what i'm used to. sigh. things are really changing. he used to spend whole days with me and now it's just little snippets of his time. i guess it shows how much/little i mean to him and his priorities. :(

i so need a beer and someone to cry to.