"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
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after chatting with a lvin yesterday about what i should do, he gave me the greatest advice ever, to just explain to t olde what i felt.

i learnt last night, before falling asleep, that little things do add up. the little prideful things i do, it all adds up to something big in the end. something which gave him the impression that i wasn't interested. he was willing to try and i just wasn't putting in effort. which is so untrue. because he is on my mind, every single moment of the day. just that i never told him. i learnt, that some things have to be said sometimes. it's an asian thing that girls can't express themselves too much, can't put their hearts out, they must be reserved, they must make it seem like the guy wants them more than they want the guy. which i know doesn't work here and i'm trying to change, but, having grown up with that culture, sometimes it's just instinctive and i have to fight it. so, i was asking a lvin. why should i even try to keep this together when it's all going to end in a month anyway when i go back? i myself don't know. i just want to see him everyday, so much. contrary to what all my other friends advised me to do, a lvin asked me to save it, because he doesn't want me to come back regretting what i didn't do. and that was exactly what i needed to hear. i am so afraid of putting my heart on my sleeve, if you put it out, the guy has the power to break it. but i did it anyway, i messaged him, and told him the reason i left that morning. i felt that the reason was so dumb - cos' he had a match the next morning and i wanted him to be more comfortable - and considered telling him another reason,like i had church or something. but in the end, i thought if i was going to be honest, i might as well be honest right to the end, because that was really my sole reason for leaving. and by sending the message i kind of implied that i thought he might have been affected by it, which i really don't know, does he even care or not? still, i did it. and boy, was it the right decision. i felt so at peace after hitting the 'send' button. (though i was in jitters waiting for his reply)

he replied a few hours later (after i drowned myself with whisky trying to take the jitters away) and he was so sweet about it. and this is how i found out i was emotionally retarded and slow. i didn't reply him. urgh. so later at night, at like 3am, i thought maybe i should have... but it was super late already. i typed the message out, everything i wanted to say, and saved it to drafts. because i wasn't going to send it. but... i really didn't want to repeat the same mistake again, to keep what i felt to myself. so, i decided to send it. better late than never right?

so, i don't know how things will turn out from here. but i feel like i have done my best, like i've done beyond what i would normally do. if things don't end well, it's just going to be a painful lesson for me.

another thing, on the way home, i felt like recently i haven't really been talking to God. i don't know what He thinks about this, whether He approves it or not. but at least i know that whatever it is, He's got my back, through sorrow and pain, He'll be there. and if He means it to be, well, then He will make it happen. if not, He has a reason for it, and in fact i've already learnt many things through this, jaded and pained as i may feel. i will believe that and i need to remember that.