"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

when your heart isn't enough.

been coping quite well these few days, but as it draws nearer to valborg (30 april), i'm getting a little bit more emotional again. it's the official start of spring, yes i thought i'd be spending it with him in the sunshine and flowers and grass, and we were looking forward to it the whole winter.

plus, i was supposed to go watch him perform at the pub tomorrow night. the other three times he invited me to go, i had other commitments, and for the 30th april, i promised i would go. well, i guess i can't keep it now. it's gonna be a hard time tomorrow night, trying to force myself to stay again. i really love to watch him play the guitar, at his house the other time, he couldn't sing for me because he had a sore throat. i guess i'll never have the chance to hear him live.

ahhh. i think going out of the country might be good for me, but i love lund so much, i can't bear to leave, not even for a short trip. i think i just need to get out of the house. go for a jog, or a walk, or something. bye.


rahh. i'm still expecting to hear a knock on my front door, see you surprise me like before. :(

wake up wake up girl.


life. lying on the grass in the park with good friends. doing nothing, saying nothing, just staring at the sky.

yesterday when he messaged me, my heart sank. you know, it's the 'i never want to hear from you again, why you message now?!' kinda feeling. today i've been hoping he doesn't again... to be honest, half-hoping that he'll message as well. hah. but nah, for the good of myself... it'll be better if i really don't hear from him again. i don't want this to linger and fester, but end while the good memories are still fresh in my head.

yes i made my decision, but i still miss him. and i never got the chance to watch him play at the pub. missed it thrice because i was busy with other things. i guess, that's my only regret?

goodbye to you. it was short, but sweet.


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i hate you so much.

i feel like replying you: "you know what, just forget it. we're done. bye."

why can't i.

fuck.


so i messaged him again, he said we could meet up on sunday. hmm i really have no idea what to make of him... i guess, past the infatuation, i'm learning abit more about his personality nowadays... he didn't even know when was his exam, he seems to take on everything at once without even considering if he can manage them, just says yes to anything - chill, spontaneous, anything-goes. initially when he asked me out, our dates didn't even have a fixed time unless i ask (because i need to know exactly when and where and what are the plans- yes control freak lol).

while at the start of the week i was dead set on telling him everything i felt, as it gets closer and closer to our meeting, my motivation is wavering. not because i'm chickening out or anything, but because i've been thinking alot. and this week has really drained me. drained me emotionally and physically. took a walk with j enric in the park after she returned from berlin, and was telling her that it was really a hell week for me. to put it in a weird analogy, it felt like i was having menstruation cramps (and my friends will know i have really bad ones, to the extent that i can faint), but in the emotional sense. okay probably only girls will know how it feels like, but basically, something wringing and gripping your heart so tightly it hurts, every single moment of the day. i think h azel could tell how tired out i was because i couldn't eat properly, couldn't sleep properly, didn't want to go out to meet friends, buried myself in work, went to system bolaget and splurged on alcohol, had nosebleeds, headaches blah blah. basically, it felt like a break-up, even though it wasn't one (maybe because i could felt it coming). after cellgroup on wednesday, i was so much better and i started acting normally again - still jaded and lifeless, but at least my heart didn't hurt anymore.

so, as i was saying, ya, i'm not very sure if i should tell him anymore because i kind of already got over the break-up. though we haven't broken up yet and have said nothing about it (yes i know i sound totally crazy). in any case, i don't think i can handle this another month down when i've invested even more feelings in it. plus, i don't think he's perfect anymore, just some talented guy, and, i seriously feel the strain of the the cultural and personality differences.

of course, i say this after not seeing him for a week and "getting over" him. i don't know what my feelings will be when i meet him again though. so anyway, since i've already experienced the worst, i was thinking of just saying what i meant to say (even though i'm not really sure i mean it now) and listen him out. if he says no, then, i've already been preparing myself for that for a week. if he says yes, then, sigh. of course i'll be happy, but also, for some strange reason, i feel sian of dragging this on.

in a way, i'm having second thoughts about him being very interested. of course i can't blame him for that because when we first met, i didn't have the intention of being serious as well. i mean like, i'm going back in two months anyway. i don't know when my expectations started to change. but, i wonder if we can be not-serious, but set the rules as well, because i have no idea what's okay and what's not, the whole culture thing. the thing is, today i saw another couple of my swedish friends get together and they were so sweet, like how a normal singaporean couple would be. so maybe it's not the culture. and again i felt sian, because i envied them. but then again, theirs is swedish-swedish, so it's long-term. ours is like a fling kinda thing, which i really don't think i'm cut out to do. i have no idea how to tell my heart: "stop there, it's just a fling."

i don't like who i've become with him, it brings out my worst insecurities :(


guard your heart.

after praying for so many days for peace, i've finally received it. it's not like i'm totally zen or something, i mean, i still do cry sometimes when h azel's not in the room, but at least now i'm not in some sort of frenzy where i feel like i can't breathe (it was really bad the past few days). it could also be that today's one of the better days, i could sink back in tomorrow. but it's a start right? omg i think i might be potentially one of those crazy women in the future. ha ha. i still really like him alot. i'm still going to tell him my feelings if he wants to meet up. and if he doesn't, well... so be it. i will be sad for sure, but i think (hope) a bearable kind of sad. i'm starting to look forward to new things now. there's good sun on sunday for photography!

still, today's the day i've been waiting the whole week for. it'll (and the next few days) will be determining the direction i'll be heading to, and how much more i'll be travelling in the sem ;)


i wish i could freeze the picture, and save it from the funny tricks of time.

the feeling that i'm losing him forever,
without really entering his world.
i'm glad whenever i can share his laughter
the funny little boy.

slipping through my fingers all the time
i try to capture every minute
the feeling in it
slipping through my fingers all the time
do i really see what's in his mind
each time i think i'm close to knowing
he's slipping though my fingers all the time


the weather's getting colder again, it dropped to five degrees this morning. and i lost one side of my favourite earrings when i was removing my earmuffs. sigh. stupid volcanic ash.


usually it's just a dull aching pain, when you're keeping yourself busy in the day. but it hurts more in the morning, when you wake up and as soon as you reach consciousness the cold hard truth hits you again, it's fresh in your head. and at night when you're lying in bed with nothing else to think about. you feel like you can't really breathe as something is clamping down on your heart tighter and tighter, an uncomfortable feeling, swirling inside and exploding to get out, and there's nothing you can do to stop it but just clench your fists and break out in cold sweat.


URGH THE GUILT IS KILLING ME.


ostgota nation.

crap. one mistake leading to another. omg i don't even want to write this down to remember this. lethal combi of alcohol and blues. how can i be so stupid. never never again. omg c hooyunqing you are damn stupid.

comparisons are easily done
once you've had a taste of perfection
like an apple hanging from a tree
i picked the ripest one, i've still got the seed.

you are really different from the others. how can i ever forget that.

talked to a lvin again and he was saying he has the same problem as me. don't say anything but just write write write to ourselves. yes i agree it's super dumb. not like i'm having a relationship with my blog right, i'm having a relationship with a person, so why not just tell him.

i wish i could... i would if i had the chance, i won't miss it again.


after chatting with a lvin yesterday about what i should do, he gave me the greatest advice ever, to just explain to t olde what i felt.

i learnt last night, before falling asleep, that little things do add up. the little prideful things i do, it all adds up to something big in the end. something which gave him the impression that i wasn't interested. he was willing to try and i just wasn't putting in effort. which is so untrue. because he is on my mind, every single moment of the day. just that i never told him. i learnt, that some things have to be said sometimes. it's an asian thing that girls can't express themselves too much, can't put their hearts out, they must be reserved, they must make it seem like the guy wants them more than they want the guy. which i know doesn't work here and i'm trying to change, but, having grown up with that culture, sometimes it's just instinctive and i have to fight it. so, i was asking a lvin. why should i even try to keep this together when it's all going to end in a month anyway when i go back? i myself don't know. i just want to see him everyday, so much. contrary to what all my other friends advised me to do, a lvin asked me to save it, because he doesn't want me to come back regretting what i didn't do. and that was exactly what i needed to hear. i am so afraid of putting my heart on my sleeve, if you put it out, the guy has the power to break it. but i did it anyway, i messaged him, and told him the reason i left that morning. i felt that the reason was so dumb - cos' he had a match the next morning and i wanted him to be more comfortable - and considered telling him another reason,like i had church or something. but in the end, i thought if i was going to be honest, i might as well be honest right to the end, because that was really my sole reason for leaving. and by sending the message i kind of implied that i thought he might have been affected by it, which i really don't know, does he even care or not? still, i did it. and boy, was it the right decision. i felt so at peace after hitting the 'send' button. (though i was in jitters waiting for his reply)

he replied a few hours later (after i drowned myself with whisky trying to take the jitters away) and he was so sweet about it. and this is how i found out i was emotionally retarded and slow. i didn't reply him. urgh. so later at night, at like 3am, i thought maybe i should have... but it was super late already. i typed the message out, everything i wanted to say, and saved it to drafts. because i wasn't going to send it. but... i really didn't want to repeat the same mistake again, to keep what i felt to myself. so, i decided to send it. better late than never right?

so, i don't know how things will turn out from here. but i feel like i have done my best, like i've done beyond what i would normally do. if things don't end well, it's just going to be a painful lesson for me.

another thing, on the way home, i felt like recently i haven't really been talking to God. i don't know what He thinks about this, whether He approves it or not. but at least i know that whatever it is, He's got my back, through sorrow and pain, He'll be there. and if He means it to be, well, then He will make it happen. if not, He has a reason for it, and in fact i've already learnt many things through this, jaded and pained as i may feel. i will believe that and i need to remember that.


i am hopeless. like i keep telling myself to keep my expectations like it should be. exchange fling exchange fling, forget when i go back to singapore. my foot. after my whole drama about him not replying my message yesterday, he finally replied (said he only checked his phone then) and said he could come by my place today. so ya i invited him for dinner. then he said cannot make it cos' he has to work at 6, so really cannot. so i said it's okay, we go eat ice-cream in the afternoon. so we met at 1, sat at the square and just enjoyed the sun, and talked about stuff which we haven't done in ages. and it was quite perfect, except there was this nagging in my heart because he didn't hold my hand or put his arms around my shoulders like he used to do (then again, i don't know if it's a swedish thing because many swedish people don't really show affection in public). and basically it was great, the sun was so awesomely hot though it was a little windy. then he said he had to go to the bank, so i was like, okay, let's go, i thought he only needed to go for a short while. and guess what... at the bank he said he hoped he could make it in time because he was already late, he was supposed to meet his friend ten minutes ago. i was like, WHAT?!!!! WTH. i only spent like, 2 hours with you. and in my head i was like thinking why did he even bother to ask to meet me today. and it's not like, he's really busy studying that's why he couldn't spend more time with me. he was playing football the whole day yesterday, and playing the whole day tomorrow, and going out at night. and today he's studying and working. and meeting me. -.- and the worst thing is that, i was telling him at the end, what a pity he has to work, because i wanted to invite him over for an international dinner with hungarian food, british food etc etc. and he said "aww!! i've never tried hungarian food before, should i cancel my work?" then he thought for a while... "nah.. i can't". like omg i totally felt so "appreciated" la. invite him for dinner and he says cannot make it cos' he thinks i'm cooking. then when i told him there's hungarian food he considers cancelling his work. today was just a bad bad day. at the end he just walked to his bike and we hugged and said our goodbyes and i swear he wasn't going to kiss me goodbye at all. until i stood there and kind of waited, then he finally hugged and kissed me again and then i walked off. this is so going down the drain man. it can't be because i left early that morning right? rah. i have no idea because there are so many thing i do regret not doing and not saying but it's kinda too late now.

so i was super bummed out after he left, and went to the park to just walk and sit and think. i was like crying and considered asking b enita or d es to come but decided against it. it was really tough trying to keep the tears in, i hate myself for being so freaking emotional and unable to control my feelings or expectations.

you know, when i see him it's like he's radiating something, sunshine or something. there's something always so sunny about him. even in the bank, when i turned around and caught his eye, i was like, stunned for a moment. and today's the first time i really saw his eyes in the sunlight. normally it's just green in dim lighting, but in the sunlight it's a really special shade of green. it's totally like what i imagine the colour of seaglass to be, pale sea-green with a tinge of blue, and specks around and a kind of old rusty feel. and his freckles from playing football in the sun the whole of yesterday.

today i think i saw the emo side of him. like he really doesn't like the cold in sweden and is thinking of migrating because of it. and he doesn't like how he's expected to do certain stuffs in sweden because of societal pressure and stuff. he was just so tired today and, not what i'm used to. sigh. things are really changing. he used to spend whole days with me and now it's just little snippets of his time. i guess it shows how much/little i mean to him and his priorities. :(

i so need a beer and someone to cry to.


omgomgomg he didn't contact me for like, five days already (which i thought was okay because he was having exams) but i just sent a message a few hours ago and he hasn't replied yet! he's usually a fast replier. urgh. i was having a bad feeling about this since i left that morning. there's only so much he can take right? it sucks though. he probably thinks i don't like him enough but if only he knew the truth. is it too late yet.


seven days without you.

sitting here counting the hours
waiting for the sun to kiss the sea
paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers
they remind me of you and me

there's one love in a lifetime
our two hearts of a kind
these three reasons you'll be mine
for when five and six are through
seven days without you, seven days without you.

making plans just to stop the aching
chasing thoughts from a million miles away
hypnotized as another dawn is breaking
i rehearse the words I want to say

there's one love in a lifetime
our two hearts of a kind
these three reasons you'll be mine
for when five and six are through
seven days without you, seven days without you.

well I will find a way into your heart
so let me try and sleep before we know.

two more then it'll be a whole week whereby i've neither seen nor heard from you.


you always said i don't express myself enough. i agree. these are the things i never said.

been thinking about you every day since the day we met.

after the black light party when i went to look for you, you asked if i left the party just to see you. i stupidly said, nah, the party was dying down anyway. i don’t know why i said that, i wasn’t thinking. truth is, the party was dying down, i was only staying on because i wanted to see you.

that night when you told me you could never figure out what i was thinking, and that i should express myself more. although i just laughed and said i was speechless, i was actually thanking you again and again in my head for accepting me in spite of everything i couldn’t give. why did you do so? why do you still do so? haha i sound like i have an inferiority complex but you’re really too perfect to be true.

the first time i stayed over at your house, i lay on the bed next to you to sleep, somehow, i forgot to breathe, and i had to swallow my saliva in gulps. you noticed and started laughing because i sounded so nervous. i kept quiet but i really was nervous, to be lying there so close to you, listening to your heartbeat. you were so effortlessly beautiful like an angel, i was afraid of disturbing you in your sleep, so i was trying to hold my breath all the way until you fell asleep.

there was this surreal moment when you hugged me from behind in your sleep. immediately, i just fell asleep, feeling so secure, to this beautiful dream.

i start missing you every time you leave to go home.

this is illogical. I don’t know him well at all, he doesn’t know me too. we always do the same things, and i think the things we do get boring sometimes. our conversation is still bordering on the small talk level, i am too polite and can’t be myself. yet i’ll never miss a chance to see him, not when i’m rushing a paper, i think not even if i’m unwell. what is this? and what is keeping this together? everytime he goes off, i don't know what is the thing that makes him call or text me again. and so, everytime he leaves, i feel insecure, like that will be the last time i'll ever see him. that's the reason why i always want to see him out as far as i possibly can, in case that's the last time i'll see him again.

call me soon, i miss you already.


sigh. we were supposed to meet at 4 today, but he texted me at 4.30 to tell me he couldn't make it cos' he had to go to another district by 6 to prepare for his gig. went to his facebook (i'll look at pictures since i can't look at the real thing) - bringing facebook stalking to a whole new level hahaha. like, i hafta google translate all the comments. saw one of the videos of his gig. i feel like i don't really know him at all, just like how he doesn't really know the whole me, only one part. he's a totally different person on stage, so confident, a crowd-pleaser who got the audience clapping and dancing along with him. it's strange huh? like, i know and yet don't know him at the same time. i could easily watch the video as if he were any other random stranger on facebook.

feelin' blue. was really looking forward to him coming and did all my cleaning up and studying beforehand. oh wells, there's always the blacklight party later, he said he would come. but i don't really trust his words anymore. hope he doesn't stand me up again.


God is amazing! my tooth filling dropped out two days ago while i was eating licorice, and i was super glum and angry at myself (why did i eat it? i don't even like it!) so i was praying for God to somehow restore my tooth because i didn't want to spend the money. because of it, i was kind of scrimping and saving, forgo-ing some clothes and good food - ade went for dental as well and it cost her 700sek! :s

guess what? my insurance agent told me that she would help me make a claim when i get back! what are the chances of that? i don't even know if it's covered because i just got the cheapest student plan, which normally doesn't cover dental - it normally doesn't even cover illnesses i think, only emergencies. it's amazing, my Abba has been blessing me so much every step of the way.

yesterday hazel was using her laptop into the wee hours of the morning and normally, i would be super annoyed because i am a light sleeper and need my beauty sleep. yet i didn't get annoyed at all and was super tolerant about it. i think my tolerance for alot of things has improved tremendously. sometimes i used to be really stingy about money and stuff, and easily irritated, but it's so much better now. anyway, my point is, when i know how much God has blessed me and forgiven me with, how can i bring myself to be angry to others right? God has given me so much good, i feel too blessed and lucky as a citizen on His kingdom to hold anything against anyone.


today we watched a couple of movies at my place. then we went for a stroll to enjoy the spring weather. the little flowers on the grass were budding, so were the blossoms on the trees. rain started to patter lightly on the ground. he gave me his beanie and we continued, soaking in the spring - the long-forgotten scent of fresh grass which lingered in the wet air. if only I could freeze those moments forever. laughing, chatting, fingers interlocked with his.

thank you God for dropping such an angel upon me. every time I thought the relationship was dead and gone, You managed to surprise me again and again (:


blankets and warm kisses.

arms wrapped around his neck, such a tender place. the golden blond hair, almost white sometimes , streaked with dark brown, fall across his face. green eyes dance and twinkles when he smiles. sparkling teeth.

he laced his fingers around mine, held them so tight.

and then came the disappointment, confusion, his crushed expression. yet, he still maintained perfect composure and niceness.

i wonder if he will ever call again.
i am thinking about him all the time it sucks.



waiting for the sun.

sitting in the grass at nine degrees,
huddling under blankets sipping hot tea,
the cold wind blows and we shiver;
he takes my hands and warms them between his.