"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

After contemplating for a long long time last night, I finally RSVP-ed the person at 2am, and went for the dance auditions today.

But I'm afraid that the questions will keep on coming. First it was "Should I go for the auditions?"

Then it'll be "Should I stay in dance?"

Then it'll be "Should I dance in the production?"

Then it'll be "Should I continue now that the production has ended?"

Forget what I said about last week being all empty, school's starting to get busy again. And with my skating sessions and salsa classes, I doubt I can cope with school work. Much less so if I join modern dance as well.

Argh. How.

Initially I was thinking of taking it one step at a time. So I went for the auditions. But I know if I keep on doing this, I'll just push the decision further and further away until I no longer have a decision to make and am stuck with it.

I really love dance. But I have to get my priorities right. If I can find them in the first place.

Amanda told me to just try it out for a few sessions but the thing is, I have a problem with quitting. I just can't, somehow. So taking this plunge means I'll be in the whirlpool for quite a while. I have to make a decision now. Which is so hard because I can't even make small decisions like what to eat for lunch.

Today after the audition, I was so glad that I went. And I came home feeling all fulfilled and couldn't wait for the next practice. But now I'm just tired, and I can't finish my readings and I can envision myself living without dance. After all, without modern dance, I still have my salsa classes. My sister, being the logical one, said that since my mood changes so much (50-50), I should just not join it. Because if I join it, I'll regret joining 50% of the time, plus my studies will suffer. If I don't join, I'll regret not joining by the same amount, but I'll have more time for my studies. So the obvious rational decision, is not to join.

But then again, I was never really the rational kind, so I don't really agree. Or maybe I do. Argh I can't even decide if I agree or not.

Decisions are seriously the bane of my life! Can someone just make them for me?! : (


Major rants. You have been warned.

I've been faithfully doing my readings and putting in more effort in school than I have in the last year, partly because it's only the beginning of the term and I'm still quite free. But I have this feeling that it isn't gonna pay off anyway. I don't know why. I just feel it's pointless but I go on anyway because I know I can't not go on. Needless to say, it's very unsettling having this thought nagging at the back of my head almost all the time.

It's kinda like I'm forcing myself forward, when I should be propelled instead. Seems like I've lost all my motivation for this term, when it has barely begun.

Plus, this term has been a rather empty one for me so far because I no longer have dance practices or any other activity besides school. So school is just, well, school to me. Totally pales in comparison to exciting summer. At least last year I was overwhelmed with alumni dance, driving, SMUX, ballroom and caderas. Hahs I complained when I had too much to do and now I'm complaining there's too little.

I used to look forward to going to school to see my friends but I don't have the same classes as them anymore. Two weeks has passed and I don't even bump into them much. Take Joanne for example, I haven't seen her at all since school started.

And it didn't help that the semester didn't start out well, with Mei and I having problems with our groupings in almost all our classes. It had always been a breeze for me. The groups used to come to me hah! I feel like I've been un-lucked.

And now I sound like a depressed freak.

Argh.

I hope it's just PMS or something.

I really wanna go to Timbre and Holland V soon.

Or maybe I need something bigger.


I finally satisfied my craving for Tom Yam Soup. Lunch today at Thai Express was good! But the soup was not as good as the one Nicky cooked. Hers is the real thing, cooked by a real Thai. Haha. Anyway, I realised that Caesar dressing is not very common in Singapore? I thought it was. I was looking for it in NTUC cos I wanted to make Caesar salad but I couldn't find any. And it's not just any old NTUC, it's NTUC Fineness... which is supposed to be more atas, yet even they don't have it. Maybe I should try Cold Storage. Haha yeah this is super random but I'm just surprised.

I'm cooking dinner tonight! Garlicky buttery cod spaghetti with sweet corn kernels. Hope it turns out well!

Letter from Orlando.

Did you have fun travelling the U.S and Taiwan? I hope you managed to cover all the places you wished to visit on your itinery.If you are already back home, it should be warm and sunny right? Cause it's getting dark and gloomy over in Florida,the tropical storm "Fay" is approaching Orange County as I type this message.

Earlier today we had to prepare XXXXXX XXXXX for the arrival of the hurricane, Mary asked me to clear out all the stockpile inside the condiment stations in case it floods and we had to move the beer canoe(5 men lift required) inside the building, I guess it looks bad if it sails away with the storm.(Despite its redundancy, ever since we stopped selling beer for the past 2 weeks)

School reopens for the minors this week, so there are very few familiar faces today i.e Mimi,Travis,Kathy and Carla(who's working at the employee lounge nowadays cause she sprained her leg...much to the jubilation of Ellen and Bell who prefered her absence.) Oh well, in a few hours time I have to call the hurricane hotline(never thought I would need it) behind the I.D card to check if there's work tomorrow.

You stay safe alright?

Your Sincerely, XXXX

It's been a couple of days since I returned to Singapore. As much as I love Singapore (I really really do), I can't help but feel my life was more meaningful in Orlando, despite me only working as a lowly culinary operator refilling buffet lines, selling beer and cleaning tables. I never had any free time there, or any proper time to laze around. Any "free time" was spent chatting to my roomies, crashing parties in other rooms, or simply exploring Orlando. Every single moment was fulfilling, in a way. A stark contrast to now, where I've been rotting away since I touched down. I've no motivation to study and I haven't even bought my new textbooks yet. In between classes Meiying and I just walk around school or head to Plaza Sing. And whatever time else, I'm on the internet, something which I've barely touched over the last 3 months and was surviving well without.

I wonder if this is just a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side".