"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

the kaleidoscope.

indescribable feelings. :)


the first sensible thing i've heard you say in ages. you probably heard it from someone else though.

ohh.


the sad thing about guessing it right all the time.


one thing i learnt from family day 06: i should never be in charge of any charitable organisation, for i am likely to end up as the next dubai. hehs.

my maid got a second ear piercing. she asked her friend to pierce it for her using a needle, which was disinfected by heating in fire, and yellow ginger as a base. how cool is that!


hmm don't know if i should go for make-up on sunday next week because i'll be missing tuition on saturday due to the dance concert. for one, i'm lazy to call the center to arrange it. secondly, it'll be so boring because i don't know anyone at orchard caraven. amanda quit already i think, i didn't see her the last time i went. hopefully melody will still be there? haha maybe there won't even be any vacancies left.

speaking of the dance concert, it's next week! in 6 days' time! and i still don't think we're good enough. the alumni dances are by far the best, they're almost perfect already, and the j1's dance, well it's neat enough because they had a friggin' lot of time to practise. but ours! i can only say our first two dances used to be better. especially the first, because i feel we've forgotten all the little extra details. i guess the only consolation is that our stamina has improved? at least i'm not panting for my life at the end of the dance anymore. yizhen and i think that our feel for the umbrella dance isn't enough! how man. at the part when alison and i are supposed to gracefully move towards the center of the stage, i'm always unstable! if i'm desperately trying not to fall with each step, how am i supposed to be graceful?! sigh. at least the finale dance is improving, that's only because we haven't reached our peak yet. anyway we still have one precious week left. hope all the loose ends will be tied up and everthing will be perfect by then.

haha and the concert is yet another excuse to procrastinate and delay all my late work. not to mention tidying up my room which is in a pathetic state of a mess.

been having dreams of kids lately. three nights ago, it was a nightmare about my parents adopting two other children. don't get it wrong, that's not the nightmare. the nightmare was, that those two children were always talking to themselves. it may not seem scary when i tell it out like that but when you're in the dream it's super scary. cos' when you see a child talking to himself, you don't know if he's talking to himself, or, if he's talking to someone/something else? furthermore it happened in my house! it didn't help that the kids themselves were extraordinarily pale. then last last night, i had a continuation of that nightmare!
luckily, last night i had a nicer dream, also of kids. but i dreamt i had a super cute younger brother. not that my younger brother isn't cute, but he isn't that small anymore. haha. the brother in my dream was around 3 years old? damn cute and smiley! don't you just love the feeling when kids hold your hand and their little fingers curl around yours ever so tightly? haha i better not say anymore lest someone calls me a paedophile - keep dreaming of kids. lol. must be due to an overdose of supernanny.


it's morning but i can't get to sleep.

the final ties, cut.

this is the end of illusions.


it's been almost three days since i last stumbled across the prozac pills on her table. seriously, if i didn't, i think she wouldn't have told me about it at all. perhaps it's my fault too, for not noticing, always taking her for granted.

ignorance is bliss, no? because where ever i go now, there's a dark cloud hovering above me. some kind of uneasiness, a shadow. i find myself wondering what she's doing, how she's feeling, a thousand questions running through my head over and over again, but never finding the answers. it's almost a torture, not knowing the reasons, she's not telling. i don't know if it's work-related, or is it us?

it makes me shudder to think, how close this whole episode could come to pass without me ever knowing. i never saw the changes in her behaviour until after i knew, and really, i feel terrible. she became so quiet and i didn't notice, so subdued. and how she never asks us to go on walks with her anymore, she just leaves the house quietly, alone.

and even with this knowledge, what have i done about it? nothing. what can i do? everytime i see her i feel awful. i don't know what to say. sometimes i want to ask her out with me but then i don't know how i should treat her, or if the doctor allows her to go out at all. it's terrible, i feel like she's a complete stranger to me, so dark, so puzzling, and this feeling isn't going to help me help her at all.

all this emotional stress has also taken its toll on me. somehow i'm more intolerant now, as soon as i hear a tinge of impatience or anger or whatever negative feelings in anyone's voice, the uneasiness which is hiding inside surfaces, sweeping over me like a tidal wave, forcing me to tears sometimes. it's so irrational, it doesn't even have anything to do with me but somehow it just tips me off the edge.

i know she's trying her best not to make us worried. when we speak, she's the one who laughs the loudest, smiles the widest. but there's a hint of artificiality in it, something forced.

wish i could do something to help other than think. but now, i talk even less to her than when she was normal, because i'm so afraid i'll say the wrong thing. all i can do these days, is snuggle next to her ever so quietly at night, like when i was a little girl, and hope that she'll somehow read my mind.

she's gonna be alright. because God will make a way.


beautifully poignant, yet you're never really able to grasp the feeling of loss at the end. maybe because it's so flitting, you don't know whether anything ever existed at all. or how close it came to never existing.

mortality. what right do we have to take charge of it, change it, warp the definition of it?

hey i've got a new favourite book. it was so depressing but i couldn't put it down.


a thousand questions left unanswered.

so i guess the fortune-teller's right.


my eyes are killing me. or rather, i'm killing my eyes. poked them with the towel twice this week while drying myself, and slid the edge of a paper across them during civics. i know. ouchhh.

i&e day was fun! i was quite surprised that the school could do such a good job of organising it, after all the past failed attempts at be-yourself-day and such. too bad we missed the cash flow game, heard that it was like the funnest game of all. haha.

my neighbour's having a bbq. i can smell it from my patio. and it smells good.

i'm hungry.