"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

kept my promise to myself. haha. i've started mugging! well, at least daner and i tried to at kfc on saturday. unfortunately, after i finished just 2 questions, she split lemon tea on me so i had to rush home to change. took a nap at home while daner read magazines in my room. lol. how productive.

then today, went to woodlands to study with dil and her friend. managed a little bit of integration before i met dinghai for lunch and 'bewitched'. his treat haha.


spent the day in a daze, trying to link your past and present. learnt so much about your life last night that somehow it couldn't go through, kind of like an information overload. his words replaying again and again in my head, me trying to figure out the story behind the you i knew, trying to connect the two pieces of the jigsaw together. i still can't accept it, not in this whirlwind state of mind i'm in now.

and then there was the thing she said. the sense of euphoria when i heard it. followed almost immediately by the sinking realisation that it was just false hope.

i revealed a little too much today. confided in her mostly the truth, though it was tainted with a little lie. just twisting it a bit for the sakes of everyone involved. it's all for the best.

i thought i had it figured out but you came and turned my whole world upside down.

and i actually thought it was over.

dream on.


you're so beautiful.
such a beautiful disaster.


went to watch 'the maid' with jeremy and andrew today. it wasn't that scary. unlike the better horror films which build suspense throughout the movie, the only part scary about this was the occasional shocks it gave you. there was no climax or anything. i was even bored during parts of the movie.

yes, even i, the self-admitted scaredy-cat.

strange. i used to be terribly frightened of the dark and ghosts and all that stuff. even in sec 4. but now i don't feel anything anymore. i've lost my sense of fear, around the same time as when i lost my tears. one day i realised i couldn't cry anymore. they're gone, lost somewhere in the many transitions i've been through this year. lost a part of me. all my emotions are numbed down, diminished. makes me feel dead.


feeling so jumpy. probably because of my piano exam this coming thursday, which i am totally unprepared for (darn scales!). doesnt help i have to rush back to school right after that for chem SPA.

went to compasspoint just now to collect the 'guess' wallet i reserved. it's an exact replica of causeway point! singapore malls are so boring, they all have the same shops and sell the same things.

i wanna go to sentosa! had this urge since eons ago. it's been so long since i last went there.

hate this time of the year. promos coming soon and everyone's getting stressed up. including me. but now there's only one thing on my mind. PIANO EXAM! argh! butterflies in my stomach.

i shall start studying this saturday. promise!

the intensity's fading. i realise i don't care as much anymore.


today's been absolutely ditzy. i've been thinking and talking gibberish the whole day. geez.

must be the post-holiday syndrome that's making me so disorientated.


i would be just another stranger on stage, and you, another face in the crowd.

yet i don't mind that. leaving has only brought me a whole new multitude of problems.


home.

woke up with a splitting headache this morning because i slept for like only three hours last night. initially i wanted to get an hour's more sleep and go to aj instead for national day, or perhaps pon school completely as i was feeling dreadful. in the end i managed to pull myself out of bed and rush to sa in time. i had to run down the hill and take 3 buses though. haha. sa is super far.

met mel on the way there! i was so blur from the lack of sleep that she was waving to me frantically from one of the seats, but i didn't notice until she pulled me to her seat. lol. chatted with her the whole journey to school, she is as bubbly as ever.

so happy to see the saints once more. so tremendously happy. :)

i felt so at home that i started referring to sa as 'my school' after a few hours. like wth? lol. i had to keep reminding myself that this was only temporary.

the performance was great. finally got to catch phunk which i missed at rapture due to the stupid cab driver who forgot to make a turn and made us late. it was great! heon melody yingli and all the other sa dancers who happen to read this...you were fantastic! actually made me regret leaving you guys haha.

"you're not just saints. you're part of a big saint family." almost started crying upon hearing this. mingfong had to tell me 'yunqing don't you cry, i'll pretend not to know you if you do.' hmmph. what kind of friend is she? the councillors led the school in singing 'home' and the j2s, who were actually half-mugging, half-watching the performance in the hall, started waving their notes in the air to the music! then at one point they just dumped their notes onto the floor and started linking arms and swaying to the beat. i really missed seeing the saint spirit. though it still can't beat st marg's school spirit, it's the next best haha! i was even more enthu than mingfong when doing the sa cheer. "saints are you ready? ever ready!"

shit la. whatever possessed me to make the choice i made on 4 march 2005 10.26pm? it didn't help that yiwen, who was from aj in first intake, purposely pulled me aside at school today to tell me that she didn't miss aj anymore and sa totally rocks.

i should stop complaining. haha. aj is not too bad either, right?

went to town to meet daner after the celebrations. on the way, i lost the blue balloon doggie i got at sa funfair! probably in dhoby ghaut station. *sobs* i'm always losing my balloons! the other time at campus rampus, my big snoopy head balloon flew off too, when i wasn't looking. :(


if i could turn the clock around, i would never ever leave sajc. and i would transfer to arts.

physics chem and maths are killing me right now. but mostly, it's because i miss doing lit like crazy.

regret has to be the worst feeling on earth, because there's nothing you can do about it.

at least there's tomorrow. i'm probably going back. still undecided because returning would only bring another wave of regret crashing upon me. i'm not sure if i want that.


sleepover with yingjun and daner at my house.

midnight arrival. pigging out on chips and chocs. yingjun's vibrator. secrets. manicures. thinking of devious ploys for monday. candid photo shots of each others' bleary-eyed faces. FUN.


lots of people i know are being stressed out by school work and stuff. me? i'm stressed out because i see people being stressed out and wonder why i'm not stressed out and if i'm supposed to be stressed out. yup. right now i have loads of work to catch up on, including bloody pw, but i'm too lazy to start on anything and while my days away as if i have all the time in the world. i really ought to start mugging soon. argh! that dreaded 'm' word.

*drawls* i wanna be a slow lorris in the zoo. i wanna be lazy. i wanna have nothing better to do.

lol.


watched school of rock at j8! quite cool.

oh gosh, come tomorrow it's august. already. time really flies.