"You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be.”
-

I think i've forgotten how to be around people. i'm tired of trying to socialise during OG or CG outings, especially with people i can't click with. thinking of the right things to say, wondering if they find my jokes funny or not...it all drains up so much energy. sometimes in the middle of a group conversation, i suddenly find myself staring into blank space. remembering. the times I spent with my old friends, especially dan er. i could do anything with her, even the most embarrassing things and she would laugh it off with me. i never realized the chemistry we had until now, i could tell her anything, there were no boundaries limiting what we could talk about. in fact, there were times where we didn't need to say anything at all, i would glance at her face and she would glance at mine and we would know exactly what each other was thinking. i miss her being around so, so much.




OG outing at sentosa! haha, it was fun. spent the whole day at the beach, playing volleyball, eating, talking and lazing around. the rest went canoeing for a while, but i didn't know how to swim, so i just sat under the coconut tree talking to emmeline victoria wanmei and king. quite a few of them got sunburnt, so i'm quite lucky, I'm black but not burnt. but I still want to be white! haha. oh well.

had dinner with roxanne and sabrina, it was kind of a bonding session, where we poured out our problems to each other, past and present, and of course a fair share of complaints about something which happened that day. i'm so thankful they are in my OG, they are really nice people.


tutorials started today. so far, gp and economics have been pretty interesting, we even played a game during econs. the tutors seem reasonably nice. last week, the maths lecturer was a lady who bore an uncanny resemblance to mrs chua(t), both in looks and speech ("why do i hear so much talking?"). except that she speaks better and doesn't have the trademark mole haha. but we changed lecturer today, and she's a complete bore. it's pure torture sitting through her lecture, trying to keep awake.

I survived pe! haha. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. we ran two rounds instead of the expected eight, and spent rest of the period playing captain's ball. quite slack actually...the guys were so good at it (and tall), i hardly got to touch the ball. hehe. just stand there and shake leg.


i still feel isolated. though i know many, many people in sajc, i don't have any close friends whom i can truly relax around. there's a kind of tension in the air, stifling me. i don't know if i'm happy here. i laugh as usual, smile as much, yet something tells me that it's only on the surface. i don't know.

i miss the feeling of being in st. marg's where it was so free, we could do anything we wanted and no one would care. i miss 4e5. i miss Reetika and our fooling around in lit class, how we used to laugh until we cried. i miss going for recess with dan er and ming fong, hearing their lame jokes, watching their silly mock-fight over ningdie. I miss sitting with dear old youyi, miss the astonished look on her face when i suddenly burst into song in the middle of lessons. i miss the bimbo club and gossip sessions with Rachel. haha. everything just fell into place comfortably. It was all so right.


okay. i just did something i totally regret again. why does this always happen?


Went for cheerleading practice today. I didn't bother to audition for Danceworks dance segment, because there were so many good dancers, so I signed up for the cheerleading segment, not knowing that there was a cheerleading audition too. So far since joining dance on wednesday, we have had to do three auditions already. Stressful. But at least I got in haha.

Think my class is okay afterall...there is still quite a bit of a division but most of us are getting along fine. On Friday, a few of us sat down to play some hand-games and a number-guessing game, the forfeit being Truth or Dare. I was the only one who did Dare - had to go up to a guy whom I didn't know, wipe my brow in a bimbotic way and say "Oh, the weather is so hot!" Hehe so embarrassing.

i am getting tanner and tanner day by day, with a very visible and ugly t-shirt tan line. yikes. i want to be white! but I don't think I can anymore. my OG stays back almost everyday to play captain's ball under the scorching sun. also, our canteen is facing the east(i think), so the sun shines in every morning while we're eating. haha I think sa's canteen is the most special in singapore, it floods suddenly and frequently for no apparent reason. we don't even know where the water comes from...it just gets so wet, sometimes we have to evacuate from our table halfway when we're eating.

i hope my O-level results will be the same as my prelims. please please please. it can't be better, because then my parents will force me to transfer to njc, and obviously it can't be worse. i'm getting so attached to sajc, i don't even mind not taking lit for a-levels anymore, since i can always take it in university.


i really hope i can connect with my CG. i'm worried i can't, because the people there hang around in cliques. sigh. if only my whole OG could be in the same class...


lit was my favourite subject in st. marg's, the one which i looked forward to go to every week. it was the reason why in sec two, i opted out of the triple science class, where most of my classmates were in, and went to double science instead, even though i barely knew anyone there. it's the reason why i chose not to study biology, another subject which i liked tremendously. all that to study two years of lit. and now it has to end.

sajc doesn't offer the subject combination which i wanted. which means i can't take lit. i got sent to the physics-chem class instead. what shall i do? stick to my given class, transfer to arts stream, or transfer to another jc? urgh. i wonder if i can choose to do lit in university if i did science for a-levels.

i seem to be quite down on my luck these days. i got scalded today in school, by the watercooler. i didn't know that it was the hot water tap. it sounds quite dumb actually right? anyway, i got ushered into the office by a counsellor while several office ladies tended to my wound...then i was forced to go home to see a doctor. as a result, i missed the grand finale of the orientation. the grand finale! Sigh. how my stars shine darkly on me. a phrase from twelfth night which reflects exactly as I'm feeling now.


whoo! sajc's orientation rocks! haha, so far it's pretty fun. the girls in my orientation group are very nice. on the first day of school, six of us went out to have lunch harbourfront together - emmeline, celena, wanmei, yuan ling, mitchell, sabrina and i. it was a total gossip session, about the weird guys in our orientation group haha. then today, we stayed back again to chat in our school canteen.

i chose physics, literature, economics and maths as my first choice for subject combinations. still wondering whether i made the right choice, because apparently i'm the only person i know taking that course...all my other friends are doing the normal science stream combination, they either hate lit or say a-level lit is very tough. what if I get posted to a class of weirdos where i don't know anyone? i'm quite worried, but i can't change anything now. hope everything goes alright. *crosses fingers*


everywhere i go, everyone's abuzz with words about it. "do you know? do you know?" they ask, eyes sparkling with excitement. i smile back quietly, but in my mind i'm thinking. of course i do.

all these years, i've been clutching my little bag of memories tightly, protecting it with my whole heart. yet no matter how hard i try, people still managed to tear it away from my arms and trample all over it, leaving their filthy footprints behind.

to them, it is just a fad; to me, it is a part of my past. do they know?